Gothic Vault is an advice column for tormented, Gothic characters and their dreadful, eerie, bump-in-the-night dilemmas. Correspondent Erzsebet Carmean replies to questions submitted by fictitious people who have fictional problems. As author of Gothic characters, Erzsebet is abundantly qualified to dispense no-nonsense wisdom to those penned by others.
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Gothic Vault Advice Column, Issue 5
Dear Gothic Vault,
My dad made me as a science project. He abandoned me as soon as I opened my eyes. I think he hoped I would starve. I don’t have any siblings. I have never had a friend.
I am hideous. No selfie angle or Insta filter makes things better. I have a face only a mother could love, and I have no mother. I don’t want pity. I just want you to understand what you’re working with when you answer my question.
I’m not proud of it, but I’m a phrog. I guess you could call me a home invader, but that sounds too transient. I’ve been here months, living in the sunroom at the back of their house. It is clogged with boxes, old furniture, discarded exercise machines – in short, this room is a phrogger’s dream. I’ve got a roof over my head, a nest of cozy blankets on a few outdoor furniture cushions, and an endless supply of trashy paperback novels. Maybe the books aren’t good for me, with all of the romance and sex (two things I have yet to experience). I play the stories in my mind whenever I watch the family. I can see their living room and kitchen from the sunroom. They have no idea I’m here.
Three people (excluding me) live here: a father and his children. The father who spends most of his days staring at the television and complaining about workman’s comp. His son is a good-looking guy I want to hate but don’t; he’s not home too much, anyhow. My favorite is the daughter. She’s plump (in a good way), with short brunette hair that’s naturally wavy, and has the most bewitching freckles all over her. She is the only one who stares at the sunroom, as if feels me looking at her. Because I like her, I do what I can to be helpful. I unload the dishwasher when the father passes out drunk. I put wet clothes in the drier when they’ve been forgotten. I take out the garbage. I charge the cellphones, replace the batteries in the remote, hell, I’ve even cleaned the toilet after the family got food poisoning.
So… here’s my question. How can I introduce myself to them without seeming strange? I am sure that if they could get past my looks, they would like me.
Franken Phrogger
Dear Franken Phrogger,
You had a rough start in life. Being abandoned by a parent is traumatic. It is unfair.
That doesn’t excuse violating someone else’s privacy. Your low self-worth does not give you permission to trespass. While your lack of meaningful relationships may be the root cause of your voyeurism, it does not make what you are doing okay. Ethically and legally, you are 100% in the wrong. You are stalking this family.
I want you to really think about this, Franken Phrogger: you are violating the sanctity of another person’s home. Doing some chores in a place where you are not invited isn’t noble; it’s creepy. Imagine how vulnerable and exploited you would feel to know a stranger handled your underwear. Think about how frightened you would be to know that a home intruder has been staring at you in your most private moments. Would you want to be friends with that person?
Your lack of boundaries is pathological. Your fixation on this family is alarming. You are confusing your one-sided obsession with a two-way street. You don’t claim to have any violent intentions but if these people do reject you, I believe you are a risk to yourself and to them. Nothing good will come of you approaching the family.
And mark my words: they will reject you. Not because of your looks, no matter what you tell yourself. Even if you were the lovechild of Adonis and Helen of Troy, to this family you would still be a frightening intruder. Their rejection will be because you are a parasite. That you are ugly will simply make it easier for them.
Vacate the premises. Seek psychological assistance. Ugliness is not just skin deep.
Erzsebet
Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus is the OG of Gothic sci-fi. I prefer the secondary title, as it is Doctor Frankenstein’s thievery from the “gods” that makes the monster possible. Franken Phrogger’s question is based on one of the monster’s experiences.
Erzsebet Carmean 